Thats right… you heard correctly, I am sick and tired all the time. I have been putting on a good face but I am just tired of it. Every stinking day is a loosing battle to exhaustion and nausea. Yes 5 treatments are down, the tumor has shrunk and I have great support… but its just sooo tiring. Everday finds me having to depend on God more and more because I cannot do this anymore, I cannot just save face so people see a happy “not sick” Geoff. I find myself even saving face in front of my wife because I do not want her to have to come home from work to face a “I am not feeling good again” Geoff everyday because that is how i feel EVERYDAY!!!
Can you see my frustration, can you see where I am coming from. These things have been roaming around in my head and I feel as if I should put them out here for you to read, to possibly catch a glimpse of my own personal insanity in this situation. Am I complaining too much?
Amy and I were watching an add for St. Judes Hospital and the cancer research they do for children, and to see the smiles through the pain of those kids who are going through cancers WAY worse then mine, makes me feel ashamed for the feelings I feel. For those feelings of “Why can’t I have a day full of energy and no sickness”. It makes me pretty much cry to see kids who are going through the same thing I am going through and they are so young and undeserving. If you ever want a humbling experience, think of your most awful sickness, multiply that times 180 days and then think of a child, who doesn’t know any better, having that sickness. Man it sobres you right up.
So my challenge today, like everyday, take what the devil has dished up for you today, and just pass it right along to God. I am coming up with this as I write, so I am gonna do the same. I feel sick and exhausted and I just got to school 15 minutes ago but I have to realize God has me here for a reason, He has me here at school on this Monday for a reason and I don’t know what that is. But thats not important because He knows and Hes in charge. I’m tired guys, tired of all this crap so I ask for your prayers of strength and for your prayers of “hey Geoff… quit being a stuborn butt and give it to God” because i have my idiotic moments… and I need a good kick in the butt when I am being a stoic mule.
I love you all… whoever you are that read this and I hope you can see God smiling down on you today, and if you can’t… find a picture of a child with cancer… and you will see God smiling through that kid!
love ya
-geoff w
Geoff,
Thanks for putting things into perspective. I read your blog yesterday, and last night my boyfriend dumped me. It’s so easy for me to feel sorry for myself and think about how miserable and heartbroken I am right now… But then I remember what you are going through, and my puny troubles seem like nothing. If you can trust God to get you through physical pain and sickness and trust Him with your future, certainly I can trust God to take care of my future. Then, when I think about all the kids that are suffering and people all over the world going through unimaginable pain and suffering, I am ashamed at myself. Maybe if I wallow for a day, I’ll feel better tomorrow;) Well, I just want you to know that I think about you a lot and that your thoughts are helping me out. Thanks for sharing your strength and faith.
Love,
Melissa
Dear Geoff:
Our hearts ache for you and all the misery you’re trying to cope with. Speaking for ALL OF US WHO LOVE YOU SO MUCH — you don’t need to put on a face or pretend that you’re OK. Probably none of us have gone through your exact experience but us “old ones” have weathered some very unpleasant surgeries or ‘whatevers’ so we can relate a tiny bit. Like your Dad said, It’s OK to say exactly how you feel even when your whole day is crappy. God hears!
Bampi and I are so thankful that you ARE close to God and depend on HIM to get you thru each day. And, I’m sure that God holds you and each one of those precious children expecially close in the palm of His hand.
I’m sure you’ve read this quote in The Desire of Ages, p. 329. “Whatever your anxieties and trial, spread out your case before the Lord. Your spirit will be braced for endurance. The way will be opened for you…….The weaker and more helpless you know yourself to be, the stronger will you become in His strength. The heavier your burdens, the more blessed the rest in casting them upon the Burden Bearer.” I’m claiming that promise for you right now.
We love you and continue to keep you in our prayers.
Scottie,
thanks bud… words of encouragment are good things… and i appreciate them. i just woke up from a small nap in my giant bean bag here at school, the principle told me to so i did. dang kids are noisey sometimes though… time to go… later
hey man, im not one to offer very good godly advice like a pastor could, or just about anyone else, but the first thing i thought of when i read your entry, was ‘i can do all things through christ, who strengtheneth me.’ that doesnt necessarily mean you are going to suddenly feel better, unfortunately. i think it means god strengthens us and our bond with him in our weak times. i thoroughly believe the more we focus on god when we are weak, the greater the return and the closer we are with him afterwards. so when you give your problems to god, and it doesnt seem to be working, know that you ARE doing the right thing and there is a reward for you:
… and no, it’s not a free 3-month subscription to WOW.